I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
