You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
