WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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