does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
