Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
