FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she looked like the before picture.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
