I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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