i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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