After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
