The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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