please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
