At least make sure they are 18
Why
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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