i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
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Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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