Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
