not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
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