Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
So here I am, sexting at work.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
