: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
