So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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