I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
