Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
