So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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