the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
