Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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