I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
im six kinds of drunk right now
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
