none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
