i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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