i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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