There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He did a backflip because drugs
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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