You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
