I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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