what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I need water and some morals
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
