I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
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My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
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She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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