You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
