She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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