So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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