filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
