Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
