he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
