would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
