I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We just shotgunned beers for America
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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