Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
