3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
