i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
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whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
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You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
All I want is dick and wine.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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