Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
