No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
