Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
