so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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