I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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