i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
