I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
