I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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