i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
