i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
