Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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