pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
