Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
