Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
