I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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