the condom got lost in my hair
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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