I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
