3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
